Strategic Defense

First, I want to mention that my sister wrote a really great post on her blog recently. You can skip through the first 10 paragraphs and just watch this youtube clip instead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpC-dZpD7eI

Around paragraph 11, though, Mandy writes a really touching and well-written bit about our dear friend Jeri Roberts, who we lost recently (and quite suddenly). It's worth taking a few minutes.

Moving on: After reading a really hilarious post on TheHairpin.com, I decided to make a list of things you can say to street canvassers. Some of you reading this might be lucky enough not to deal with strangers yelling at you to save-the-environment-or-else-you-are-a-demon. Unfortunately for DCists, this is a daily struggle. Therefore I give you, in random order:

Responses to Approaching Street Canvassers

"I shot a whale in Reno. JUST TO WATCH IT DIE."

"Just brushed my teeth, sorry!" (You can also say other hygiene-related things: Just got my nails done, Just had a wax, Just cut my hair...whatever will confuse and disarm the most effectively).

(This one involves props.) As soon as you see one honing in on you, get on your phone and start talking into it. When the canvasser tries to talk to you, cover the mouthpiece with your hand and say "My grandfather, who's been in a coma for 40 years, just woke up and is calling from the hospital. This is the first time he's ever heard my angelic voice and I was about to tell him I'm gay and that my life partner and I are adopting an Asian baby. I'd say that right now I really don't have 2 minutes to talk about the environment."

"I don't want this flier, but I think that other guy in the same shirt you are wearing would probably be interested."

"I'm sorry but this is misspelled."

(for use when dealing with scary Pro-Life people that commandeer street corners guerilla-style and shove photos of bloody fetus in your face) "OH MY GOD I have that SAME dead fetus pic as wallpaper on my computer! TWINS!!!" (follow through with a hug)

"I'll give you money but only if I can pay you in all coins. Also, I'd need to throw them at your face."

"I don't like your face."

"A dolphin stabbed my brother once, so if you'll please excuse me."


*These were all brainstormed while I was riding a bus with a fever. Apologies.