Ladies thinkin' lady thoughts

On the bus this morning, I received an email with the following photo from Unearthed Caravan (try clicking the picture to see a larger version):



And I just...no. I mean I get what it's trying to say. OH BOY. Woman are from Venus and Men have Penises. Or something. And who doesn't love a good stereotype? I don't want to go all angry Hulk feminist about this, as one of my roommates might, but this is just such a poorly thought-out chart.

I have notes.

1. Shoes = pot of gold

First of all, am I the only one that thinks those shoes are disgusting? On closer inspection they seem to be Prada, but that doesn't matter. They look very dated and I don't want to put my feetses in them. I feel like if the Pope were into women's footwear, he'd totally wear these. If these shoes are unattainable in the way that a leprechaun's gold is unattainable, that's probably a good thing.

2. A ladies' room sign = a large round table

This is just stupid. I'll give you that some women like to go to the bathroom with their girlfriends. But who actually CONCEPTUALIZES the bathroom as a place where businesspeople talk about budget reports and upcoming projects? I have never prepared a Power Point presentation in anticipation of a visit to the bathroom.

3. Teeny spider + penny = little girl being mauled by a giant muppet

WHAT is that child doing with her face? Other than that, though, this is pretty accurate.

4. butter knife = screwdriver

Nope. Since when is this even a stereotype? I'm not going to pretend I know anything about tools, but what woman (who hasn't suffered from some sort of stroke) confuses a butter knife with a screwdriver?

5. Compass rose = ...does that really say "toward the mall"?

GUILTY. FINE. I don't understand cardinal directions and generally have no concept of where I am in space. Andy tries to teach me and I honestly try to learn, but after a few seconds the first few electric guitar chords of the overture from Jesus Christ Superstar sound in my head and all is lost because I'm too busy putting together my fantasy JCS cast. No, I won't tell you who I think should play Caiaphus. (It's that kid from the Chocolate Rain video.)

6. Parallel parking = a slimmed-down Pillsbury Doughboy trying to push a ball through a square hole.

Well if you're going to park like THAT, then yes, I would assume it would feel like that.

7. butt = larger butt

I get what this is trying to say. Women think they are fat. I have definitely looked in the mirror and thought I looked like a fatass. It happens. However, I have never stuck my butt out and took a photo of it, then looked at the photo and thought "Wow, so THIS is what that "apple bottom jeans" song is talking about, and also I have a rattail and may be black!"

8. 7:00 = 7:55

I don't really understand this one. I have a vagina, so when I read time I add 55 minutes? At first I thought this was trying to say something about how women are stereotypically late, but then wouldn't the clock that ladies see be earlier in time?

9: check engine = engine is fine, ignore this

I don't know about you, but I FREAK OUT if that light comes on and want to take care of it immediately. I freak out about lots of things, though, so I guess maybe this could be a stereotype I didn't know existed.

Thoughts? Am I being too critical?

Why you shouldn't wear a heating pad around in the summer months

Today I have The Menstrual Cramping.

In most areas, I have a fairly high tolerance for pain: I have a tattoo, I used to dance around on blistered toes for hours, and one time I broke my arm and then pretended it wasn't broken for a full day before seeking medical attention because, WHAT THE FUCK MY ARM IS SWOLLEN TO TWICE THE SIZE.

For some reason, however, menstrual pains get me. And not like they get me as in:

me: I was so freaked out! It was a total mistake.
menstrual pain: Like that time that Michael Showalter shot a guy in "Stella" and was like "I. THOUGHT. HE. WAS. A. TURKEY. I SWEAR TO GOD."
me: (pregnant pause) That is exactly what I mean.

I mean that they get me in the way that I feel like I've been shot in the lower back and just want to cry about it all day and eat cookies.

Anyway, I was saying that today I am experiencing this type of pain. Since I'm stuck at work and can't be a little ball of miserable, I decided to at least invest in one of those little heating pads that you just slap on to whatever part of your body is acting up. After a few minutes of being THAT girl in CVS with my Midol and my heating pad and my laundry detergent (to make it less obvious that I'm obviously on my period) I was back in my office wrapping that magical heating pad around my belly.

And it was good. Friends, the next few hours sitting at my desk were a glorious blur of warmness. The heating pad felt so natural that I completely forgot it was on me!

This is where it gets good. At lunch time, I decided to run into Georgetown real quick to pick up a new concealer from Sephora. I'm sorry this post is so insufferably girly.

I was about ten minutes into the walk when I started thinking to myself, "Oh my is it warm out today. Especially around my midsection!"

Then a few paces later, "I mean, it's like the sun is lasering in on my lower back! How odd!"

Then about a block later, "That freaking heating pad is still on my back isn't it?"

I guess I can count myself lucky because the shirt I'm wearing today camouflaged the heating pad. But Christ, once I realized I was wearing it, and that I had no safe place to duck into to take it off, it seemed to just get warmer and warmer.

By the time I got to Sephora I was a sweaty mess. This is generally always an embarrassing thing to be, but in Sephora I'm always hyper aware of the judgmental, mascara'd eyes of the gays who work there. I always feel like I need to immediately apologize for my fashion, makeup and hair choices whenever a salesperson approaches me in that store.

Thankfully, I knew exactly where my concealer was, picked it up and got out of there pretty quickly. A steamy 20 minutes later, I was in my office bathroom frantically peeling the heating pad off my person then chugging a bottle of water. Not spazzy at all.