I'm not joining your bicycle gang.

This is a graphic representation of how good I am at certain activities:



As you can see, a fair amount of the activities on this very scientific, unbiased illustration are things that I do VERY well.

You can also see that a few of my “areas for improvement” involve wheel-based transportation.

Why even bring this up? Since you’re asking, and I admire curiosity, I’ll tell you. For the past six months or so, I’ve been put under increasing amounts of peer pressure to first purchase, then commit to riding, a bicycle. My parents and childhood friends can probably explain why this would be such a poor life decision for me. You can go ask them if you want, and I’ll sit here and prepare a list of Reasons Why I Don’t Want to Ride Bikes with You:

1. I can haz bike fundz? (see previous posts about being a poor Peace Corps Volunteer).
2. I prefer modes of transportation that don’t require helmets.
3. I don’t trust myself to not freak out if a car is anywhere near me at any given time on the road.
4. I don’t want to roll up my pants on one side.
5. This one time I was riding my bike in my neighborhood and I ran into a parked car.
6. Helmets are sweaty.
7. Helmets mess up your hair.
8. Is walking really so horrible? Why am I the only person that likes walking to places?

Friends, I really am sorry. I love you, but we’re not going for a bike ride.