On Friday, before I went home in a fever-induced funk (possibly related?) my co-worker and I went to TWO seminars on retirement planning/saving for the future. Just to be as ironic as possible, we got lunch at Kinkead's in between the seminars (stop it. We had a Groupon.) Sure, I was too sick to eat anything besides chowder and hot tea, but at least it was delllllicccciousssss chowder.
The first seminar was for Fidelity and the next for TIAA-CREF. I went into them thinking I'd like TIAA-CREF better, because Andy's dad works for them (SCIENTIFIC REASONING), but it turns out the two presenters gave basically the exact same presentation. Points go to Lady TIAA-CREF for speaking faster and letting us out early, but overall both presentations were made up of:
--three parts crazy
--one part AGGGHH I'M POOR
--one part hackneyed, misused and/or confusing phrases
As many a Morocco PCV knows, my note-taking skills are...creative? At best? I started out earnestly, writing down things like "save more" but then it was suddenly more interesting to make note of every crazy thing the presenters said. Here are some favorite quotes and lessons I took away from this invaluable experience:
- TIAA-CREF lady, on the dangers of living past 65: "...and the last thing anyone wants to do is be a Wal-Mart greeter." Naturally, everyone kind of cringed when she said this so she back-pedaled and followed it up with something like "Now, if you WANT to be a Wal-Mart greeter, there's nothing wrong with that! HAHA! YAAAAA Wal-Mart! (roundhouse kick) Greeting is fun! Have you guys ever heard of Happy Feet? Because it's totally on sale at MY FAVORITE STORE WHERE RESPECTABLE OLDER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WILL TOTALLY SAY HI AND BYE TO YOU IF YOU GO THERE."
- I know now that if I had invested $1 in stocks in 1926, I'd have over $2,000 today. I resisted the urge to raise my hand and ask how this fact was helpful for an individual whose grandfather was born in 1930.
- Fidelity lady, responding to a question: "As long as you've been saving 10% since you were 22, you're fine." Well, shit.
- The Fidelity lady was fairly slap-happy with the hackneyed quotes, and yelled "CASH IS KING" a few times near the beginning of her presentation. It was, therefore, confusing when, near the end, she pointed out that "cash is only king 12% of the time."
- TIAA-CREF lady, on the services her company provides: "I'm not sure how many of you know this, but we have a service called "advice."
- This is my favorite (!!!) quote from the TIAA-CREF lady because she said it TWICE, clearly demonstrating that she doesn't have a good grasp of the phrase "don't put all your eggs in one basket": "Now, you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket. You don't want just white eggs. You want some blue, some yellow, some green. You want to diversify." She literally said this, verbatim, twice in her presentation. I had so many questions on this concept but felt like it was smarter to stare at my notepad.
Of course, I can mock them all I want, but I'm still a bum that can't manage my money.
